Misery

Work is crazy.

I think crazy is an understatement.

I'm not sure if I'm utterly inapt, useless, retarded or just plain, not trying hard enough.

I can't even handle basic things like getting my forms done correctly, remembering what my actors wore for particular scenes, or even helping my AP get some of the stuff she entrusted to me correctly...

Yeah. I'm useless. Like what she said, I probably can't be trusted anymore...

I really dunno if it is a language barrier, cos as often as possible, the instructions that they give me are in English.

Am I inapt?..... I think I probably am...

Even if I go to work an hour earlier then everybody and leave an hour later then everybody, I am bound to forget stuff.

Every night I sleep in fear and nightmares of what I've forgot to do.

... sometimes I just want to give up everything.

I'm learning. I'm still learning. But the things thrown at me, though it may be presumably little, somehow tends to amplify a hundred times in my mind.

.. a fear of how a sentence can change into Chinese suddenly and I'd be lost

i.e. Hey! Stop that person! He "qin pang" already!

I would run to go stop that person, but when the sentence finishes, I'm lost. Because I have no idea what the hell is "qin pang".

My eyes and legs are just so tired. I feel like crying.

How on earth do these people do this job? Unless I lack something in me that they have and I do not.

I've been pondering about it and I came to a few conclusions

1) Language

People who can speak the same language fluently tend to stick to each other, and communicate each other in the preferable language. This would cause them to unconsciously block out people who do not speak it so well.

2) Memory

I have an extremely bad memory, and I know that myself very well, thats why I try my best to write down everything I need to do in as much of a regimented, systematic way as possible so I would not miss anything. But in an unpredictable industry such as this, how can "system" even work?.... fail.

3) Social

I.. guess... I'm not really that sociable... even if I try my utmost lame effort to do something right. I smile as much as I can, so that other people would not see the frantic warfare that is raging inside me. Sometimes, I smile so much that it becomes fake.... Sometimes, all you need is to look carefully into a person's eyes, to know how much sadness he carries.

4) Stress

My transition from army to work has been nightmarish. SAF and Mediacorp's culture are at the total opposite ends of culture, where work is concerned. One is regimented, one is unpredictable. One is non-communicative, one is extremely communicative. One is full of guys, one is just full of gals..... moreover, I didn't really want to leave SAF due to my attachment with that place...

sigh..

My eyes hurts, my mind hurts, heart aches, my muscle aches and my soul is weary... I just want to stop and scream: "DON'T PROMOTE ME!! DON'T PATH ME TO THE NEXT LEVEL!!" but I know that if I don't, I will never learn.

I must learn.

I am here to learn.

So with a heart of steel, I will endure everything and anything that can be thrown at me.

I WILL NOT LEAVE MEDIACORP WITHOUT TAKING THE UTMOST EXPERIENCE WITH ME!!!

I will make what a normal producer learns in one year, equivalent of ten years.

I will serve.

I will commit.

I will do my best.

I will try harder... one day, somebody will look and say, "good job!" and I know that I have something to add to my resume.